urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox separated in ziplock bags Maura 2005-11-10T06:09:44Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:19106 2005-11-10T06:09:44Z 2005-11-10T06:09:44Z the bravery - no ring on these fingers Awww the last time i updated this live journal was a huge turning point in my life. Some of the best things that have ever happend to me were during that time.. such as :<br /> - the greatest friends that i could have ever ever asked for.<br /> - most amazing adventures and trips that ill remember for the rest of my life.<br /> <br />It was so long ago... almost 2 years. Which just goes to show that things have been busy. I learned things about old friends that i never knew at the time... had i known i would have thrown some bows... glad to be over that now not that it was ever really an issue i moved up and on to better more amazing people. <br /><br />I never really think about this thing too much other than that Jess (roomate at eastern ct) has one and is on it alot.<br /><br />Im doing the best ive ever done i love college... welll the asthetics and i love jess and we have so much fun, but i cant help wanting to be around my friends because like i said there so awesome. <br /><br />Tim left ... hes in california.<br />John left and came back... but i think hes going to leave me again.<br />Jenna will be around forever.. shes always there for me :)<br /><br />So new house, new school aka college, new state, new aspirations also... im thinking graphic design. <br /><br />this summer was awesome as was last... this summer we hit atlantic city, 6 flags nj, 6flags reg, the cape, point judith, block island and so many more great places.<br /><br />over the winter john came with me to nh with the fam... never had a friend there it was great... brought him skiing haha good stories there.<br /><br />Worked so much at the dealership made lots of money...<br /><br />... spent lots of money.<br /><br />Graduated highschool thankgod.. i dont miss the school just the seeing my friends everyday part. <br /><br />Turned 18! that was fun.<br /><br />Oh and .. recognized that gay is the new black. <br /><br />loved and lost:<br />- mitten (jenna i lost one!)<br />- lattes (there too sweet for me now)<br />- timma gone to cali till xmas<br />- cell fones<br />- screen names * xplaygroundlove RIP someone changed my pw<br />- puppy (it was only for 2 days but they were the most fun two puppy days ever)<br />- toothbrush bracelet alyssa made me<br />- brown flip flop<br />- awesome red and brown belt (recent)<br />- MANY CARS ABOUT 6 haha not all accidents though<br />- rhode island status<br />- wisdom teeth<br />- precious gift heh<br />- pictures that i loved and used for stupid english final and then lost <br /><br />alright well bed time even though IDONT HAVE TO GET UP my hippie pub speaking teacher is going to be too busy chompin on payotte to come to class.<br /><br />this was fun but ive got more to say come back &lt;3 maura urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:18145 2004-05-03T16:23:12Z 2004-05-03T16:23:12Z <p><font color="#000066" size="5"><strong>"SUCK ME BEAUTIFUL"</strong></font></p> <p><font size="1">{{read that on my desk during english and then again in chemistry.. its from american pie.. and i thought it was funny}}</font></p> <p>m<font size="2">m</font><font size="1">m... pretty wild month id say .. im not going to recall all of it because it would be far too much entertainment for you to handle... soo important things... jennas birthday.. brought us back together really happy : Dabout it because she came right when i needed someone... got to become pretty good friends with ppl like ****JOHN**** my new fave man friend.. cassie whom i was already friends with but we hung out a bunch.. haley who used to ignore my pleasent hellos in the morning but now should cherrish them because they are sincere.. and rachel who is a super fresh or soph idk but she seemd like she was older... </font></p> <p><font size="1">kaylees day... i coordinated it, it turned out pretty well got her an awsome cookie cake with jake at the mall.. i learned of these cookie cakes from jennas day in which the next morning it set on fire and the fire trucks came lol .... but anyway kaylees did no such flame.. and it was good ppl came over and we watched scary movies. </font></p> <p><font size="1">i dont really remember the inbetween there.. i know i had areally good time for the most part.. proms comeing fri! going with john.. sorta not so excited but i cant wait to wear my <font color="#3333ff">d</font><font color="#3366ff">r</font><font color="#33ccff">e</font><font color="#66ffff">s</font><font color="#99ffff">s </font>and itll be fun i hope.. he seems super excited.. kinda feel bad cuz he seemed all sad that i have a date to his prom already ****JOHN*** but oh well i told him go alone and ill still talk to him and whatnot .. idk bleh... </font></p> <p><font size="1">ive been working an awful lot... hopefully makeing outrageous amounts of money because i need to pay my parents so much...&nbsp; </font></p> <p><font size="1">then came tims birthday.. bought him the darkness cd.. he was really happy cuz he likes to sing in high pitched womanly voices.. i &lt;3 tim.. he really has become one of my best friends.. i can talk to him about anything and he understands.</font></p> <p><font size="1">thennn kristin and alyses birthdays which are more recent happenings.. both of which were awesome... woke up extra early to buy them both balloons .. tried to get them in morning announcments but couldnt find the principle... went to eat with alyse and ppl then to kristins where josh got to meet ppl.. talked to nick for along time cuz he was really sad.. i felt bad cuz it was birthday ness but idk it needed to be done.. </font></p> <p><font size="1">mm had some good times and bad ... thats the short of it all</font></p> <p><font size="1"></font>&nbsp;</p> <p>my birthday is in <font color="#ff0000">37</font> days if anyone wants to make it special :)</p> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:17912 2004-04-14T23:19:29Z 2004-04-14T23:19:29Z <img src="http://bunnysnoog.cyborgcow.net/henry8.gif" align="left"><a href="http://bunnysnoog.cyborgcow.net/index.html"> I adopted a cute lil' birthday fetus from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! </a>ITS <font color="#3366ff" size="6">K<font color="#ffff66">A</font>Y<font color="#ffff66">L</font>E<font color="#ffff66">E</font>'<font color="#ffff66">S</font> BIRTH<font color="#ffff66">DAY</font></font>! YAYY! :P PPL ARE COMING OVER AND WERE GONNA HAVE <font color="#ff0000">FUNNNNNNNNN</font>! - oh and kaylee is the <font color="#33ff33">best</font> :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:17303 2004-04-04T21:05:54Z 2004-04-04T21:05:54Z I ruined the next year and a half of my life with one stupid mistake.. my neck and my back and my head hurt so much .. i dont mean to be a bitch about it but it really does. things could deffinetly be alot worse. life is so scary and fragile.. i could have died or worse killed someone else.. i cant imagine what i would have felt like if that had happend.<br /><br />provided my dad has anyfaith in me whatso ever ill get somekind of car to drive just to school and to work untill i get enough money to pay for insurance that dosent conect to the dealership because now im a huge liability :( urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:16908 2004-03-31T03:03:39Z 2004-03-31T03:03:39Z ohh dear... i feel so swarmed lately.. theres so much emotion comeing from every direction. im wicked confused about some things ... actually alot of things.<br />theres so much nothing and then everything just happens all at the same time. i dont know why i cant decided what i want but i need to figure myself out soon so i can get myself a prom date and stop being retarded.<br /><br />prom dress! awsome bluee and prettyy and i cant wait to wear it. <br /><br />mk thats all for now so many thoughts tired little fingers.&lt;33 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:16813 2004-03-17T04:43:34Z 2004-03-17T04:43:34Z ... went to the movies with john anddd we tallked for hours hes wicked nice and stuff... and while hes extremely hot... its kind of what i had assumed.. hes just not my type.. all well i had a really good time &lt;3 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:16574 2004-03-15T02:55:42Z 2004-03-15T02:55:42Z ahh ok so i'm terrible with directions but its okay because john was really really sick and i have a stye lol... were a mess... but he called me and we talked for a while and he was so sweet anndd we have a date tuesday for another game.. he likes basketball lol.. anndd this time hes going to pick me up so i dont get lost. no school wednesday so maybe we'll do something after the game too.. mm so i hope this all works out because i havent gotten to be happy with someone else in a really long time.. it would be nice&lt;3 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:16245 2004-03-14T05:11:45Z 2004-03-14T05:11:45Z oh how i do love drunk people.... id much rather be drunk my self but as me and dan discused its terribly entertaining to be the only one to remember and be able to laugh at their stupidity... friday night was wicked fun lol.<br /><br /><br />soo cant decided if i like john or if i just wanna fuck him .. because ive thought he was cute since like freshman year and now i think his stutter is so cute too but idk .. we will see tomorra meeting at the game .. if all goes well i think ill have him come to junior prom with me.. cuz that would be fun. if not ill make tim come with me cuz we will have fun too.<br /><br />today went to wrentham for ever tried to find a job for everr... with ellary.. thenn went home thennn went to meet dan thennn picked up el and went to the bridge.. fun times packed like sardines.. me dan el john and liam who i never see and that was fun cuz i do love them so.. and jenna and kristin.. i love reminising about the summer it was such fun.<br /><br />but anyhow gnite!&lt;3 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:16036 2004-03-09T01:41:46Z 2004-03-09T01:41:46Z <p>this weekend awesome!.. found a pube in my milkshake friday.. not so awesome.. but funny.."can we have this to go?" haha needless to say didnt drink the milkshake. egged cars down in coventry with kels and matt good times glad i went even tho its sooo far away. i didnt really egg cars.. cuz i cant throw heh. </p> <p>sat cheerleading competition.. girls did great. 2nd place fun fun. then hung out with dan and his friends.. lol very fun i decided i need a ping pong table like christines. we had fun tho used alot of gas going from house to house. then to playground so fun i &lt;3 playgrounds they make me feel like a little kid. watched all the crazy kids dance to oar it was fantastic they looked so fake under the pretty moon i wanted to draw it all <em>really </em>bad. i love nights liek that, it was like when we slept at the beach. </p> <p>sunday went to church then breakfast with the fam to this really cool little restaruant that i want to go to again with friends... then hung out with kaylee and ray the rest of the day and watched them pinch punch and bite ... makes me feel better about not being in a somewhat imature relationship which id prob be in. but it was fun anyway cuz there good people. we got lost and had fun and went to purgatory chasm but didnt get to climb cuz i suck.. next time tho.</p> <p>lets get lost.</p> <p>you dont make me feel wanted you make me feel <strong>disrespected.</strong></p> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:15839 2004-02-27T21:38:50Z 2004-03-09T01:23:12Z there's no poetry between us"<br /><br />said the paper to the pen<br /><br />something's burning in the attic<br /><br />that her tongue will not defend<br /><br />through the arc of conversation<br /><br />past the teeth behind the smile<br /><br />down the miracle mile<br /><br />to the bottom of the ladder<br /><br />paint your eyes and hide the tatters<br /><br />what's the matter baby?<br /><br />could we go downtown<br /><br />to the middle of the world?<br /><br />you were always such a pretty girl<br /><br />and you told me I was beautiful<br /><br />"there's no poetry between us"<br /><br />said the paper to the pen<br /><br />"and I get nothing for my trouble<br /><br />but the ink beneath my skin"<br /><br />if your clothes are getting weary<br /><br />and your soul's gone out of style<br /><br />blame the miracle mile<br /><br />and the bottom of the ladder<br /><br />paint your eyes and hide the tatters<br /><br />what's the matter baby?<br /><br />. . . I'm coming too. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:15611 2004-02-20T19:11:45Z 2004-03-09T01:43:20Z do you ever think, "last year at this time on this day I can remember feeling so.... blank..."? <br /><br />i do.. i remember the time in which I cryed and cryed over something that seemed so important to me then, so important that I might have thought my hypothalmus was being riped out of my brain(I watched the relic last night till 3am and it was gross)<br /><br />I want to want something. I feel like I have nothing to want or to be emotional about.. good or bad... and I cant be depressed over it because im not that sad and i cant forget about it because i dont have anything to distract me from it.<br /><br />If you arent striving for anything meaningful where does your emotion go? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:15291 2004-02-18T16:46:04Z 2004-03-09T01:43:47Z <p><font size="1">despite what&nbsp;some might&nbsp;think <em>everyone </em>dosent know.. and if it stops circulating maybe people will forget about it...</font></p> <p><font size="1"></font>&nbsp;</p> <p><font size="1"></font>&nbsp;</p> <p><font size="1">maybe.</font></p> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:14987 2004-02-15T23:31:31Z 2004-02-15T23:31:31Z OH MANN last night went to the end of tylers hockey game to pick him up so we could all go to the paragon on thayer st.. supposedly they serve underage anyhow tim walks out of the locker room all pissed off , i felt funny cuz i was alll dressed up to go out and he looked at me real weird and i was like what happend there still playing?! and he kept walking and i followed him out into the lobby thing and he told me that he quit and hed call me later and explain... then his dad walked by then his mom and then some girl (his girlfriend) like 5 mins later while i was watching the game i thought theyd left and i guess she wanted to meet me to find out who tim had been spending his time with and ooommggg she was so ugly and i know im such an asshole but the poor girl looked like a blowfish and it was so frustrating becuase it proved my theory that skinny people no matter what the fuck they look like can have anyone they want... i had a dream her head popped.. not a gross pop just like a balloon or something .. idk im crazy oh by the way the paragon will serve you if you sit at the bar and arent with alot of people but if your sitting at a table with like 10 ppl and three diff ppl ask for a long island ice tea and say they left their id in the car they are just not gonna give it to you lol <br /><br />the end.. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:14701 2004-02-13T02:47:19Z 2004-02-13T02:47:19Z <p><font color="#ff0000" size="4">It's weird how things work out sometimes no?</font></p> <p><font color="#ff0000" size="4"></font>&nbsp;</p> <p><font color="#ff0000" size="4"></font>&nbsp;</p> <p><font color="#000000">hurts like brand new shoes.</font></p> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:14238 2004-02-01T02:05:20Z 2004-02-01T02:05:20Z i love when i look back at things i write when im emotional.. im such an ass. mm babysitting on a saturday night.. i need money so bad :/ urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:14067 2004-01-31T17:54:24Z 2004-01-31T17:54:24Z I am so unbeliviable drained.. I feel like everything has been sucked out of me happy sad mad and theres just no feeling good for me.. i try so hard to make everyone happy no one seems satisfied with me. Im too fat too loud too quiet too tired too bitchy too sluty or something but im these things cept for fat cuz thats just me because i want to be how you want me to be.. and for a little while yesterday i was acutally myself and i wasnt happy. I mean i'm glad i got to talk about it and cry because it has been absolutly eating me up inside just pretending and lying(thank you so much and im sorry). I want to talk to someone else too but idk if it will be worth it anymore because i dont want to make my self feel horrible about what happend a while ago on top of sucking at life now. idk whatever. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:13700 2004-01-30T02:44:05Z 2004-01-30T02:44:05Z UUGGHH... your not even trying :( but whateverr urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:13457 2004-01-29T01:49:25Z 2004-01-29T01:49:25Z how fucking random! someone flips out on you telling you they fucking hate you and never to talk to you again for no reason and then 15 mins later they tell you there sorry and they didnt mean it like who does that!? just to get someone to cry? ugh! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:13139 2004-01-28T02:42:29Z 2004-01-28T02:42:29Z My car battery died at the gas station(in the few short weeks ive had my license, a little old man hit me in his pickup.. i skimmed a telefone pole cuz i couldnt stop and i also scratched the side of my car on the side of the tanning salon place.. im sucha good driver)... the boy jumped me.. my car that is ;) heh.. he actually gave me his number too.. ill never call him but it gave me a little self confidence lol...anyhow i was on my way to pick up E from fehan and so i convinced my mom to let me take her car incase mine died again and she let mee!!! soo fun... then this smorning my car wouldnt start again so my dad took it to CT which ment to very nice cars for me to choose from at hommeee :) took the mountaineer in the morning and the lincoln tonightt... so gangsta.. chillliinnn.. picked up ellary tried to pick up krisitn but she didnt have pants so that didnt happen.. lol it was fun. I love having my license.. quite honestly its the best thing ever because theres so many things i couldnt do before and so many people i couldnt see with out it and now i can.. just happy. ALYSE FOUND MY CDS!!! i had like over $100 worth of cds and i lost them at her house and she found them! so happy about that too... anddd im really excited about something else and i know i shouldnt be because when ever i get happy about too much stuff i get let down.. but ive been waiting for so long ive changed so much and i just need it... its been a year and i need to figure myself out and see if im ready. all fuck ups aside im gonna be happy! &lt;3mc urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:12898 2004-01-27T03:58:11Z 2004-01-27T03:58:11Z blehhhh i havent written in this in so long but i got a new computer so i dont have to fear it turning off or anything shitty like that. sooo i got my license.. woohoo for me.. cuz i failed the first time .. never take a right on red k? its been a real long time since ive been confused about something like this but i realized some pretty disturbing things about my self.. mostly that certain people dont respect me and have used me for a long time.. and i let them its nice to be wanted. But someone made me realize that things dont have to be like that for me and i can be happy without it.. and i really really want to be happy. I just wish i hadnt gotten the situation confused cuz now idk where i stand and idk what to do. Well gonna go to bed new semester tomorra gonna work my bumm off and im also joining the Y tomorra cuzz im going to loose 40 pounds i dont wanna be fat anymore! dont worry tho im gonna eat right i promise. &lt;3mc urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:12765 2003-11-02T03:37:48Z 2003-11-02T03:37:48Z "sometimes you only think of yourself actually alot of times, you never think that what you say and do effects anyone, but it does you have no idea how much it does. I can't even have a serious conversation with you without crying just because everything you say hits me so hard and it's always so unexpected.. i miss being able to tell you everything and I really wish I didnt have anything to hide from you but I do and regardless of wheather or not you already know I will never tell you, the words are never ever going to come out of my mouth because maybe it's to hard to understand but sometimes to remember is to re-live and to re-live something so painful is to kill a small peice of me everytime it comes up so just drop this and move on because everythings over. <br /><br />for you...."<br /><br />- - old excerpt from other journal/diary urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:12407 2003-10-21T00:44:09Z 2003-10-21T00:44:09Z bush - glycerine It must be your skin that I'm sinking in<br />It must be for real 'cause now I can feel<br />And I didn't mind<br />It's not my kind, it's not my time to wonder why<br />Everything gone white<br />Everything's grey<br />Now you're here Now you're away<br />I don't want this<br />Remember that<br />I'll never forget where you're at<br /><br />Don't let the days go by<br />Glycerine Glycerine<br /><br />I'm never alone<br />I'm alone all the time<br />Are you at one, or do you lie<br />We live in a wheel where everyone steals<br />But when we rise it's like strawberry fields<br />I treated you bad, you bruise my face<br />i couldn't love you more you've got a beautiful taste<br /><br />Don't let the days go by<br />Could've been easier on you<br />I couldn't change though I wanted to<br />It should have been easier by three<br />Our old friend fear and you and me<br />Glycerine Glycerine<br /><br />Don't let the days go by<br />Glycerine<br />Don't let the days go by....<br />Glycerine Glycerine<br />Glycerine Glycerine<br /><br />Bad moon white again<br />Bad moon white again<br />As she falls around me<br />I needed you more when you wanted us less<br />I could not kiss, just regress<br />It might just be clear simple and plain<br />Well that's just fine that's just one of my names<br /><br />Don't let the days go by<br />It could've been easier on you you you<br />Glycerine, Glycerine, Glycerine, Glycerine urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:12162 2003-10-19T15:23:43Z 2003-10-19T15:28:27Z im so tired of waiting for you, all these bad things keep happening and although im sure im bringing each and everyone upon myself i cant help but think that maybe if i had someone anyone to be with that things would be so different. I don't really understand why people say nice things about me but i still have no one. I mean im not really trying hard or anything because i dont want to be let down anymore. I just want to make someone happy and in the process maybe get a little happy myself. all well!<br /><br />you destroy me, <br />so I can't see why I feel so lonely...<br />when you and me could be forever <br />perfectly perfect together, I know. <br />Broken down in my dead bedroom, <br />stuttering to pictures of you. <br />I know that you can always see me. <br />I saw you staring through my TV last night. <br />So I'll leave the door open all night, <br />in case you decide you want to stop on by. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:12007 2003-09-25T19:36:26Z 2003-09-25T19:36:26Z eve 6 - inside out wayy to open my big stupid mouth! Im such an asshole. mm but anyway homecoming saturday i need a few ppl to come to conn with me to work during the day...hmmm... kickin ass in tennis #1 doubles undefeated so far! which is totaly awsome! were so going to states! lemme know if you wanna come to a match because it would be way cool :)... &lt;3 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:elstarox:11521 2003-09-23T03:30:47Z 2003-09-23T03:30:47Z oh and if no one already knows it sucks ass to like someone alot and have someone disapprove of it because no matter how much you can and should be your own person and make your own desicions its like ... why? ya know? idk thats all.